It pains me that a proposed constitutional amendment would deny gay and lesbian couples of the public recognition of their love that I am afforded for the love I have for my wife.
I?ve committed to do what I can to defeat this proposal and stand up for marriage equality.
Are you with me?
The folks at Minnesotans United for All Families have a plan they want me (and you) to be a part of.
At its core, they want us to start up conversations with our friends, families, colleagues ? in fact, anyone who will take the time to have an honest conversation ? about what marriage means to them.
Okay, the plan is a bit more complex.? They believe that it will take 1 million conversations with folks struggling with this issue.
To find those folks struggling with gay marriage and then to have those 1 million conversations relies on us.? We need to be engaged in this campaign.
So I?ve been walking around with some tips Minnesotans United for All Families has developed to help us talk about the value of marriage.? I give the tips to anyone who wants to become part of the campaign.
As you?re reading this blog post, I can give you the crib notes here.
First, let?s be clear about something ? You don?t need some special knowledge to have these conversations.? You don?t need to be an expert.? You simply need to be willing to engage those you know in an honest conversation about marriage.
And, Minnesotans United for All Families let?s us in on a secret:
We don?t need to change anyone?s mind.
We just need to invite someone on a conversational journey.? Over time, after several conversations, enough people will arrive at the right conclusion themselves.? The key is beginning the conversational journey.
Oh, and I need to be clear about one other thing ? don?t assume those close to you have grappled with this topic.? Many people haven?t had a chance to discuss gay marriage.? And no one has asked them to have that conversation.
You get the honor of being that person.
So here?s how you strike up a conversation about what marriage means to you.
Let?s say you are having coffee with a friend.? Let?s say his name is Michael (I like the name Michael):
?Hey, Michael.? It matters to me that all couples, including gay and lesbian couples, be able to get married in Minnesota.? You may have seen gay marriage is a topic in the news a lot lately.? Did you know we?re going to have to vote on this this November??
[Answer from Michael is ?Yep? or ?Nope?]
?Do you mind if we talk about this??
[The answer from Michael is likely ?Sure? or a shrug of the shoulders meaning ?Okay?]
You say something like, ?Well, I believe that nothing says ?family? like ?marriage,? but right now gays and lesbians can?t marry in Minnesota.? And, now there?s a proposed constitutional amendment that, if approved, would ban marriage for gay and lesbian couples for a long time.? Michael, how do you feel about marriage for gay and lesbian couples??
[Now, I?ve had lots of these conversations.? Some people don?t see what all the fuss is about.? They think people should be able to marry whomever they love.? In that case ? if Michael said this ? say something like ?]
?Michael, we need to defeat this thing.? You?ve got to vote ?NO? in November so Minnesota doesn?t ban gay marriage for years to come.?
[But most of the conversations will start by Michael noting that he hasn?t really thought about it.? You may even see that Michael feels a little uncomfortable.? That?s okay.? Michael might say something like ?]
?I don?t know.? I mean do they have to get ?married???
Kindly, but pointedly ask, ?Michael, what are your concerns about gay marriage.?
[You want to get the issues out on the table ? not debate them ? just get them out, so Michael is thinking about them.? Michael will likely bring up things like tradition, religion, or raising a family.]
[As Michael is a friend, you are likely to know if he is married or not.? If so, ask him why he?s married to his wife ? oh, I don?t know, let?s say her name is Rebecca.? Or if he?s not married, simply ask Michael ?]
?Michael, what does marriage mean to you??
[Again, I have had a lot of these conversations.? Most folks start talking about the love they have for their partner, the fact that they are in it for the long haul, and they?ve had to stick together during some rough moments.? But through it all, it was great to have someone they loved by their side.? If this is the conversation you seem to be having, just ask ?]
?Michael, do you think that gay and lesbian couples might want to get married for the same reasons you are married to Rebecca.?
[You are likely to get an ?I guess so.?? You?ll almost hear the wheels turning in Michael?s brain.? Let those wheels turn for awhile.? Talk about why marriage matters to you and why you want gay and lesbian couples to be able to share in the institution of marriage.? Here?s what I?d say:]
?Michael, I love my wife.? Being married to her is such an honor.? It means something to me that the community recognizes our love and says it means something special.? Michael, I have lot?s of gay and lesbian friends who are in long-term relationships too.? They love their partners just as much as I love my wife.? But right now, we deny them the recognition that we get to have with our partners.? And, it?s not just recognition.? There are benefits and protections that marriage provides.? I just don?t see how it?s right to not to extend that same recognition, those same benefits and protections to gay and lesbian couples.?
?Michael, do you get where I am coming from??
Take the conversation where it goes.? Be alright with a little discomfort or stuggle.? But don?t be pushy.? Don?t try to win an argument.? Just get Michael thinking about things.
When you are done with the conversation, no matter where it goes, thank Michael for having the conversation.? You want Michael to feel comfortable talking with you in the future about this.
Now, sometimes some really sticky or really complex issues get raised.? I?m not going to dream up a conversation for each issue, but they usually deal with religion or civil unions.
If the issue is religion, it?s important to note that what you are talking about is not about dictating what ceremonies a church must provide.? You are talking about the recognition Minnesota grants straight couples but denies gays and lesbians.? Civil marriage for gay and lesbian couples will in no way affect what religious institutions do.? A marriage license doesn?t come from a religious institution, it comes from the State.
If civil unions are the topic you get talking about, I find, it?s again because someone?s not yet ?ready for gay marriage.?? That?s why beginning this conversation is so important.? You want to help people work through their values.? But it is important to note that while some cities may ?register? a civil union between a gay or lesbian couple, that recognition is for the city alone.? That recognition in no way extends the protections that marriage provides.
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